Outtakes 001 And If I Dream of Anything Evil
by Willow Edmond
Summary: Mox has a nightmare and Roman helps him see that it was more than the actual nightmare, and the message it was sending him wasn't a bad one. (This is a companion piece to Behind Blue Eyes. It's pretty much a Roman Comforts Mox story)


_Originally, a lot of this was in Chapter 14 of Behind Blue Eyes, but I edited it out because the chapter was getting too large. But, I put it aside and I read it today, and figured it could stand as a one shot in this world. _

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**And If I Dream Of Anything Evil**

_(Outtake from Behind Blue Eyes) _

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It took Mox a lot of effort not to go to bed too early that night, because he was exhausted. The issues at the Mall, his trip into the past, all of it had wiped him out. But, he thought it might look strange if he went to bed right after dinner, strange enough that Jen and Sefa might have commented on it, and Lance would tell them about his melt down at the mall, so he forced himself to stay awake to watch one of those Christmas specials with the family, except for Roman and Marc, who were both on dates.

He went upstairs, got into clean boxers and a clean t-shirt, brushed his teeth, washed his face and got into bed. He thought he might have the energy to read a few pages in his book, but before he could reach for it, he was fast asleep.

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{o}-{o}-{o}

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Roman walked into the bedroom as quietly as possible, so not to wake Mox. He'd gotten used to this, creeping around in the dark when Mox was asleep and he didn't mind. His brother had done it for him, so he'd do it for Mox. He had friends who knew about the situation who asked him if he wasn't upset that he had to share a room with Mox, and he was always honest, no he did not. Mox was his brother now, and he wasn't going to bother with the whole "Foster" part of it. And Mox had nightmares. Sometimes he woke up and was able to slip silently out of the room and go run ropes, but sometimes-

Like tonight.

As he walked in the door, he could hear the sheets rustling, not in a way to indicate Mox was changing positions, but more like he was thrashing. Roman didn't want to turn on the light and shock him, sometimes Mox swung first and woke up later. So, he opened the shades. The moon wasn't brilliant tonight, but there was enough light that he could see Mox.

His brother was sweating and the sheets looked almost wet, letting Roman know whatever nightmare had him in his grip had been going on for awhile. And Mox was thrashing wildly, mumbling what sounded like, "I don't want to, I'll do it, but I don't want to!"

_Shit, _Roman thought. _He's been in this one for awhile. I've got to wake him, and let's hope he doesn't scream so Mom hears. _ Jen would run into the bedroom, she had before, and Roman knew that it embarrassed Mox to be comforted like a toddler.

He walked over to the bed and warily reached out and poked Mox's shoulder. Since he was training for wrestling, he'd gotten pretty fast. "Mox," he whispered, "Wake up!"

More thrashing, more mumbling, so Roman poked him a little harder. "Mox," repeated, this time speaking as loud as he dared. "Wake up!"

Mox bolted upright, but thankfully didn't start swinging. His lower body was twisted in the sheets, and even though the light was dim, Roman saw his eyes were wide and he was blinking rapidly.

"Mox, are you okay?"

Mox turned and looked at him, still in that wide eyed panic. "I-I-I" he stuttered, then stopped, taking several deep breaths.

"It's okay, bro," Roman said.

"No it's not," Mox said, twisting around so he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his feet on the floor as if he was going to get up. "It's not okay at all."

Roman sat down on the bed next to him, knowing Mox would want to run ropes, but wondering if he could circumvent that. "Dude, what were you dreaming about? It sounded pretty bad."

Mox twisted his head so he was looking at Roman. "I don't want to talk about it."

"That bad?" At times like this, Roman wanted to put his arm around him, comfort him, as if he were Lance. Roman didn't understand why, but something about Mox brought out the protector in him. Brought it out in his whole family, to be honest. Mox's horrible past and the way he tried to push ahead, pretend none of it mattered, while of course it did. Mox was good at hiding things, but not at night, not when he had one of these nightmares.

Mox stared at him. "You," he said softly. "It was about _you."_

Roman's head reared back. Of all the things he thought Mox would say, that hadn't even made the list. "Me? Dude, what did I do that made you have a nightmare about me?"

Mox said nothing, but shook his head, telling Roman he really didn't know. "Okay," Roman said slowly, "Can you tell me what it was about? Since I was in it, I think I have the right to know."

Mox's eyes were still wide and round and Roman would have been willing to bet that if the lights went on, his pupils would stay open. "You," he said, then paused, swallowed and tried again, "you."

Roman waited but Mox was stuck on the "you." "Me, what?" he asked, keeping his voice calm, but feeling something beginning to churn in his guts. What did he do that could have caused this? Part of his mind raced through their day, wondering if he had said or done something so very wrong.

"You," Mox began again and again paused. He had a glass of water by his bed, and he took it and drank it down in three gulps. "You wanted," he said, and paused. "You wanted…" his voice trailed off and he looked at Roman, his expression desperate.

Roman had a pretty good idea what he wanted in Mox's dream. "You?" he asked, even though he knew that's what it was. "I wanted _you?"_

Mox nodded, looking ashamed. He hung his head. "And I was so scared," he whispered.

Roman had that familiar feeling of wanting to find whoever hurt Mox, even the phantom versions that appeared in his nightmares and kill them. But this time, the boogeyman was him. Or, a nightmare version of him. _Should I go get Mom? _he asked himself. _Maybe I'm the last person who should be trying to comfort him._ "I'm sorry, Mox," he said, again fighting that urge to put his arm around him. "You know I'd never want anything like that, right? Never. Ever."

Mox nodded. "But in the.. dream, nightmare, night terror, whatever it was, you were _asking_ me."

Roman nodded, then stopped. "I wasn't forcing you?"

Mox shook his head. "No. You were asking me. You…" His voice trailed off and Roman would have sworn he felt the heat spreading over Mox's face and he knew if he turned on the light, his face would be bright red. "You said you needed it, you know?"

Roman couldn't be sure, but he had a feeling he did know. He knew most of the time, Mox dare not refuse Richard, the man who claimed to be his father and that asshole Sam whatever they wanted from him. But, there were probably times when they might have wanted Mox to… be a more willing partner. Even though Roman had no clue what they looked like, or what they sounded like, he could hear them in his head, saying those lines guys his age normally used on naive teenage girls. "Oh god, I need it so bad! Sometimes a man needs it so bad and if he doesn't get it, terrible things happen." Mox had probably been told about blue balls and everything else they could think of. "Were you afraid I was going to stop asking and start forcing?"

Mox shook his head. "You weren't going to force me. I knew it. I knew if I really told you no, told it to you strongly enough, you'd leave me alone, but…" Again, the voice trailed off.

"But, you couldn't do that?" Roman asked. An explanation was starting to come to him, weird, but logical in its very weirdness.

"No," Mox said. "I-I was _confused,_ you know? I mean, I didn't want to do it, I really didn't, but.. it was _you_, Rome. And, it was like, I wanted to say no, I wanted to remind you that you're not allowed to touch me without my permission, but you weren't touching me, you were just asking me, maybe even begging me. And it was like.." He paused to chew on his lower lip and his hand came up and his fingers began doing that dance on his collar bone. "I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want you to be unhappy, either. God, it was like I was frozen. I just… I didn't want you to want to," He stopped tapping his fingers and instead drew his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "Fuck, that doesn't make sense, does it?"

Roman shook his head. "You'd be surprised at how much sense it makes," he said.

Mox turned his head to look at him. "It doesn't make sense to me and I'm the one who had the dream. How can it make sense to you?"

Now it was Roman's turn to bite his lower lip as he tried to figure out how to explain this to Mox. "Okay, you know about Lance and how I donated bone marrow, right?"

Mox nodded, but even in the dim light from the window, Roman could see he was confused. "Do you think I wanted to donate?" he asked.

"Yeah," Mox said. "He's your brother, of course you did."

"Not exactly," Roman said. "I wanted to save his life. I was scared half to death about donating the marrow. I was younger then and they're talking about sticking a huge needle into me. They're discussing risks with me, and I don't want to do it. I'm worried something will go wrong, because it sure sounds like anything could go wrong. So, no, I did not want to donate my bone marrow. But, a whole lot more than that, I didn't want Lance to die. Since the bone marrow was the only thing I could do to help save him, help keep him in remission, I did it. But let me tell you, if I could have done something else? Just donate regular blood, or done some feat of strength, run a long race, you name it, I would have rather done that."

"Okay," Mox said slowly, his tone indicating he was confused. "But what does that have to do with the dream?"

"In the dream I was asking you," Roman said. "Begging you, you said. And you didn't want to do it. And that is understandable. You've been forced into that crap all your life, and you finally get told you have a choice and it's being taken away from you. But it was _me_ in the dream, me asking you. _Me_ begging you. And you didn't want to refuse me either, because you thought that I must really need it to be begging you. Your mind was trying to figure out what to do, because you didn't want to, but you didn't want me to suffer."

"Okay," Mox said, again slowly, not understanding anything going on. "So, what exactly are you saying, Roman?"

Roman grinned. "You love me, Mox. No, not in some sappy, romantic way. I know that isn't your thing, but you love me. You love this family. You know we love you. And you had that dream because your mind is telling you that for the first time in a long time, you have people you love, really love. And love can be dangerous. Love can make you do crazy things, even things you don't want to do, but you're willing to do them if you think you can make the person you love better, or happier. In your dream I must have really been trying to convince you that if you didn't give in, something horrible would happen to me. Am I right?"

Mox nodded.

"You can say no," Roman said, "But can I put my arm around your shoulders?"

Mox hardly hesitated before he nodded and Roman moved closer and put his arm around Mox's shoulders. "Dreams try to tell you things, but they do it in a completely messed up way. Now that you're awake, do you really think I'd _ever _ask you to do that stuff? I mean, you know I don't work that way, I like girls. But, even if I did like guys, knowing how you feel about such things, and knowing that I see you as a brother, do you _really_ think I'd ask you to do that stuff?"

Mox shook his head. "No, you wouldn't," he whispered. "That's why the dream… the nightmare, it was so bad. Because part of me knew you just wouldn't ask me, so if you did, it must be really important."

"Right," Roman said. "You're realizing that the one thing you want to do least in the world , is something you might consider, maybe even do, if I really thought it was necessary."

"It-it never will be, will it?" Mox asked. His head was leaning on Roman's shoulder and he turned it to look up at him. Just then clouds that had been covering the moon drifted off, and the room was filled with a pale, silver blue light.

"Dude, no way," Roman said, grinning. "Again, I love you, but that's the last thing I'd want from you. You're my _brother._ And yeah, I love you and all, but the thought of us ever having that type of relationship? Makes me kinda queasy, if you want to know the truth. I'd feel the same way if any other member of my family wanted to… well, do that stuff."

Dean nodded, temporarily comforted and pushed himself closer to Roman. "Why doesn't this feel wrong?" he asked. "I mean, we are way too close for my normal comfort zone and we've been close a lot longer than I like, but it doesn't feel weird, it feels… okay."

"Because you know I love you," Roman said. "Your dream was fucked up, yeah, but you know I love you and you know I'll do anything to protect you. And you love me. We're family now, and even when you've got the walls around you, all the defenses up, family can get through. Because family is there for you."

"I don't think I ever had a family," Mox confessed. "I think I had a mother, I've told you that, but no matter how hard I try, I can't remember a father or brothers and sisters. I can't even remember my mother. It's like I knew she existed, but I can't remember anything about her, except that she used to get pissed off a lot."

"That doesn't matter," Roman said. "You've got a family now, and we'll always be here for you."

Roman stayed sitting on Mox's bed with his arm around him. They talked about other things, him about football, Mox about wrestling, and like good friends and brothers, even though they were two different things, they still make it work.

Then, as he hoped, Mox's talking dwindled off until it was just Roman talking. Roman kept going until he heard the soft, steady, even breathing that told him Mox was asleep. As carefully as possible, Roman detangled himself from his brother and moved him gently so all of his body was on his bed. It was cool enough that he pulled the sheet over Mox, then went over and pulled down the shade and got ready for bed himself.


End file.
